he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
