I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
