I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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