Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
