Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
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I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
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Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
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