the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
