Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
