I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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