Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
they're like a gay fantastic four
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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