i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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