my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
