The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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