So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
