I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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