i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
