I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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