I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
