Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
