Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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