matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
