God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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