I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I didn't notice because vodka
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
