then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
