when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize