I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
