I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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