; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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