Welp...herpes.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
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The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
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Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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