She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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