I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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