I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
