my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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