I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
