I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
