just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
