I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I can text with my tongue
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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