I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
