yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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