I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
