i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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