i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
