you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
