you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
