you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
