Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
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