Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
