it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
