I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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