i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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