It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
