Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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