he thought i was a dude.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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