Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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