The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
