I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
