We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
