Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
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