fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Randomize
