i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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