dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
