My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
